By: Traci Moncus, for Georgia Weekly post.
I read a recent article about why women cheat, by Georgia Weekly Post's Brandi Kay.
I found it fascinating to say the least.
I expect others, will write to Georgia Weekly Post.
What followed was an in depth discussion on infidelity in both sexes. As a general rule when one thinks of a spouse or partner cheating, they naturally assume the man in the relationship is the one committing the infidelity. In my experience, I have found this to be true. So, why do men cheat?
A dear friend shared his story for the reason for his infidelity. It was a one time deal. Josh, a 40 something attorney at a very prestigious law firm in Birmingham had what most considered a charmed life. He came from a well to do southern family with deep roots in Southern politics. Josh graduated from Vanderbilt with top honors. During this time he met the girl that would be his wife and mother of his children. He lived in the prestigious area of Mountain Brook . His wife Ann was beautiful, intelligent and had a pedigree to rival that of Josh.They had 2 beautiful girls, Alexis and Ava. The world was his oyster.
Josh reflected on his past infidelity and what led him to it. "I was not first on her list anymore " That was the real reason he gave for his actions. 'Everyone and everything came before me. From the house and kids to Ann's social obligations. Even the dog took priority over my needs. I felt like I was drifting at sea totally lost.I mean, i worked so hard to achieve the perfect life and their it was and I was not enjoying it. I was feeling left out."
What Josh was after was the emotional bond he no longer felt with Ann. It happened by chance, the meeting of his soon to be lover, Kerry. She was a friend of one of his partners at the law firm. She had been around the scene for months and Josh always took notice . One evening, at a work related event Kerry found herself alone waiting for an elevator. Josh was headed down to leave for home. By chance they struck up a conversation, which continued all the way to the parking garage.
" I was instantly attracted to her. She was so easy to talk to and had a softness that made me want to stay near her. Her voice, her silky hair falling over her face, her scent. She smelled of fresh cut magnolias. I hate to admit it, but I was smitten. I could not take myself away from her so I asked her to join me for a coffee. She accepted and that's where it began"
" I found in her something I was lacking in the past 10 years of my marriage, an emotional bond with a woman.. I soon became the center of all her attention and she became mine as well. We got together each and every opportunity we got. I even took her on a business trip on more than one occasion. I just simply could not get enough of her"
Three months into the affair, Ann knew something was wrong. Josh no longer approached her, no longer kissed her and rarely talked to her about anything other than the day to day mundane stuff.
'I suspected an affair, that's all it could be I told myself. A woman just knows, I knew .I wanted to know the truth, so I finally got up the nerve and asked him straight out. He instantly admitted to it. I was devastated,I felt my heart drop to my feet. My worst fear had come to reality. Over the next few days he told me everything . I appreciated his honesty no matter how hard it hurt.He explained that he felt unimportant to me. He felt he was last on the list. I asked him the toughest question a woman can ask after discovering her husband is cheating, I asked him if he loved her. He said he thought he did. He thought ! I asked him if he wanted the marriage and family life or if this woman was what he wanted. We talked over the next week, about everything. Josh decided he wanted his wife and family life. We made a renewed commitment to each other and our marriage. I realized i had put him on the back burner. We began having a weekly date night, just for us.. It took a while but eventually we reconnected.
It was not a quick fix,not by any means.I was heartbroken.
I think in the past few years since the affair Josh and I have grown closer than I ever thought possible.I think we have both learned a very tough and very valuable lesson, never take each other for granted. Never ! I think I felt he was not interested in me and I think my reaction was to throw myself into the house, the kids, family and social obligations. We both were guilty of neglect. Josh has come a long way since those days. He is totally committed to his family. We are totally in love and we both agreed to never take each other for granted again."
For Josh it was the emotional connection he was after. That was the bond he had with his mistress. When someone can connect with someone on an emotion level they can have them.Then there is the sexual connection........
There may be more than one reason a man cheats, or a combination of reasons. An article on the subject many years ago stated it was the" caveman syndrome" ,which simply refers to the idea that the caveman was notorious for mating up, producing offspring and becoming bored thereafter. He would then do it all over again, mate up, reproduce and move on . When we look at the pattern of men who have multiple marriages that produce children, those marriages usual play out after about 5 years or so.That is just enough time to meet, marry, reproduce and become bored.
Regardless of reason, cheating is wrong.It destroys multiple lives with it's domino effect. The cheaters may not even realize the impact their affair has on not only their spouse, but also on their family members as well as friends and even coworkers.This does not even touch on the subject of all the time and effort put into lying, cheating and sneaking around.It actually take s a great deal of time to be involved in a n affair. A real man puts l that time and effort into his marriage.
So, why do women cheat ?
As for women who cheat, its usually all about affirmation of her worth. A man's worth is his work, the means by which he makes his wealth, builds his empire and provides for his family. A Woman's worth can be more than one thing for which she craves praise and approval. It can be her beauty, her cooking , her role as a wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend.
Sue was such a woman. She craved approval in every aspect of her life. A full time homemaker and mother of three, she prided herself on her beautiful girls, her home in a well respected neighborhood.She was heavily involved in many community groups and volunteered every chance she got.She was married to her high school sweetheart.Her husband owned a successful manufacturing business he started from the ground up after college.
As the business grew Tom found himself away from home more and more. By the time the girls were in Jr. High and High School, Sue found herself alone more and more. She may be left alone for as long as 3 weeks at a time depending on Tom's travel schedule. When the older girl left for college, Sue found herself with lots of spare time. She now had two twin girls about to graduate and she was needed less and less.
Tom was home for short periods at a time . Sue always made sure the house was perfect and all his favorite meals were prepared while he was home. She always kept herself up with exercise. She spent a good bit of money on her beauty routine as well, keeping beach blond highlights in her hair and sticking to a strict skincare regimen as well as always being made up with every hair in place. She took immense pride in her beauty.
No matter how attractive she kept herself, Tom was usually so busy with phone calls and answering emails ,he rarely gave her the attention she craved. Sex for Tom was more of a chore than a pleasurable experience, an obligation.
Soon, Tom was on the road 3-4 weeks at a time, sometimes traveling to Europe and Asia . Sue was alone more and more.
. When a man took notice of her and struck up a conversation at a High School function,,they soon became friends then lovers. It was not long til he was coming to the house when the girls were out. Sue would cook for him. He would always praise her culinary skills. He soon was praising her sexual skills in the bedroom as well. Sue loved the attention. She began to buy pretty panties and bras and began wearing heels more often.Within weeks it was a full fledged affair. When her lover lavished her with compliments she relished in it. She had craved affirmation and approval for so long. She loved that he took notice of her lipstick shade, her perfume and every detail of her dress as well as her cooking skills.Soon, she felt whole again.
One afternoon when Tom was supposed to be in another state for work,he finished early and took the first flight home as a surprise for Sue Upon arriving at home he noticed a car in the drive..He went in through the back kitchen door as usual, calling for Sue the whole way ..she never answered. He checked the living room, no Sue, checked the den, laundry room, back deck, no Sue. At last he made his way down the hallway and found Sue and her lover together. A raging confrontation began and Tom told the lover to leave or he would kill him. The guy fled as fast as he could .
Tom asked for an explanation. How could she do this ..how ? Why ? What would make her do such a thing. Tom asked her what the attraction was. Sue gave the most simple and honest answer, she said it was the attention he gave her. She felt beautiful and desirable again. She felt wanted ,desired and needed. She told Tom that her lover made her felt worthy as a woman.
So, both Men and Women have their reasons for cheating. Cheating is cheating no matter the reason and it's wrong.
Josh cheated when he felt the emotional bond with a woman and became the center of her world. Sue cheated to feel worthiness as a woman. These are only two examples why spouses and partners cheat.